Grieving allows us to touch what is real.
We are not allowed to grieve. We are especially not allowed to grieve losses that others don’t see or that are not allowed by society. Our grief is “disenfranchised”.
The ongoing and normalized turmoil of the last several years has kept us in “fight or flight” mode – we are consumed by just doing what we need to do to survive. Not only do others not see our grief, we don’t see our grief. Actually recognizing the magnitude of our own losses threatens to overwhelm us. We are already exhausted! We fear that acknowledging our losses will drain us of what precious little energy we have left to cope with what life may throw our way. We don’t realize how much energy we use up just trying to keep our grief at bay. Valiantly denying that we have lost anything or trying to prevent a loss that has already happened only serves to keep our lives in suspended animation and our emotional batteries spent.
Grieving is a whole body experience and a normal response to loss. Grieving or not-grieving both have profound physiologic effects. Our “fight or flight” responses are designed to get us out of an acute threat and into safety. Not-grieving can keep us in that frenzied state where fear, blame, denial, or resentment can deaden our ability to be present to what is. We are caught up in the pain of our losses. While time can decrease pain, it takes more than the passage of time to enhance our emotional well-being. Growth after loss calls us to forgive ourselves for things that are/were out of our control. Growth after loss will invariably involve self-reflection and grieving.
“Shock” (stun or collapse) is a form of protection against an overwhelming loss or threat. We can’t do much of anything in that state! This is why ritual, tradition, community, and friends ordinarily step in after a (visible) bereavement. The support and protection of loving hearts can give us the freedom to safely express our anguish and begin to absorb the reality of our loss. When what we have lost is people, relationships, or community that would ordinarily have provided the safety needed to get through this incoherent time, our grieving is all the more difficult. It can be hard to return to the open “rest, digest, and repair” state where our mind, body, and emotions can regroup and reconnect with the living world around us.
Grieving allows us to touch what is real. We grieve because we have lost something important to us – relationships, loved ones, familiarity, a sense of safety, a sense of worth…. Loss. Is. Painful. We can’t change the fact of a past loss. However, our relationship to that hurt can be transformed. Grieving allows us to heal: to find our story of love in our loss and eventually to come alive again.
But where can we start with disenfranchised grief? Even our unseen losses long for expression. Inability to grieve these unrecognized losses may be contributing to our exhaustion (and everyone else’s!). The first step may be: having the audacity to admit to ourselves that we have lost something or someone precious to us – even if no one else will see it or care. Somehow we have survived the loss (we are still here) and can begin to touch and express the love in our heartbreak. If we are not yet ready to engage with people, we may find that nature can be an intimate and gracious witness to our expressions of sorrow. We may discover that we can connect with our deep heart which, while broken, is also profoundly whole. Likely we will begin to notice wholehearted people among us. Chances are they are experts in grieving and in living. Grieving allows us to connect more fully with love, and life, and wonder.
Such is the mystery and the importance of grief.